checking out...

i have been having a serious case of the "i sucks"s this week. from standing at the front of a room, leading strangers thru downward-facing dog, instructing them to breathe & release what no longer serves them, wondering "What the hell am i doing up here?!?" to holding my squealing, squalling infant in my arms - unable to comfort her - with either my words, sounds or body.... helpless. inert. grossly incompetent and unable to meet the demands of life - as they present themselves in this moment... well... or at least.. that's how ya' feel. ... from staring covetously at a friend's smooth skin, firm belly or tidily-coiffed hair, while my own body is still in the process of recovering from & meeting the new demands of motherhood... it seems we're primed to engage in an endless game of covetousness... always someone else's life, or the accessories thereof... barbie's perfect dreamhouse is always perched just one spot over the hill.. and never residing where you are NOW. we are clothed in lack.. drenched in longing... and it is Encouraged. No! It's True! the ads & accompanying voices seem to say... "You are NOT enough! Buy this! Use this cream! This shellack! Try this ab routine! This insider tip. This secret-handshake-twenty-dollar-club-badge-membership trick. One more thing, more tidbit, last tweaking, last temporary stamp of approval.. before you are enough.. good enough. presentable. lovable. acceptable. GOOD. and i'm tired.. i'm tired of a game that pits me against a would-be friend, a mirror, an ally.. and turns them into someone i must either idolize or demonize... someone i must weigh my own value against.... well, she's thinner than me but at least i'm smarter... they make more money, but i have a cooler, more bohemian life... they're more talented than i, but i know the "right" people... bull. shit. i am tired of a game that turns friends into frenemies... assesses my life's value & worth based on how effing well i look & measure up to, EVERYBODY ELSE. it's as if high school never ended!!! hey, look, folks! no need to cultivate any strain of authenticity, any depth or grit.. any nuanced flavor or soul.... all you've gotta do is cultivate the right ratio of fat to muscle, floss, wax & scrub the right things, read fucking cosmo, fill your brain, that delicate and valuable gray real estate with nothing more than sex & diet tips.. and newer ways to whiten your teeth & eradicate wrinkles. cuz, you know.. it MATTERS. and i'm tired. screw this. of a game that views the soul as an afterthought, the spirit as an accessory akin to earrings or lipstick. in the words of the wise & erudite Homer Simpson.. "This Game SUCKS. Let's play Chinese Checkers." .... so I'm giving up. I'm calling it quits.. handing in my playing cards, admitting DeFault.. No way... So when the conversation inevitably shifts towards bodies & what we all virtuously hate about our own - our thighs, our butts, our "less-than-perfect" triceps & glutes... I will cradle my soft & stretch-marked belly, declare myself to be Perfect & Beautiful. AND MEAN IT, DAMNIT

. .... when longing words of what so&so does or drives or earns or how successful & accomplished they may be and So Young too.... I will write songs. I will play my ukulele, slowly & maybe out of tune... do cartwheels on the lawn & make gurgling noises at my beautiful kid.. and have so much fucking fun , that I will not CARE ....... I will love deeply & play with abandon... I will create, Create!! without thoughts of paychecks or outside recognition... On the days when I suck - at every task at hand - i will give myself permission to do just that - SUCK! - fully, completely, with glee & joyous aplomb!! - I will dance & sing & seek inspiration in all the gorgeous forms in which it chooses to find me.. and I will give thanks. .... I will stand on my own two feet & declare "Here I am!" and know..now free of the bound & cumbersome rules of the never-ending game of Human Monopoly I've just exited... that finally.. & beautifully - I am EnOuGh . ......... and to those still playing on the other side of the fence... over on Barbie's dream hill, living Barbie's dream life, driving Barbie's dream car.. striving Barbie's dream Striving... I will issue a friendly wave.. from my new patch of wild grasses & rambling clover... the air perfumed with the intoxicating scent of pOsSibILiTy... and bid them Welcome. Should they ever choose to vacate the stifling patch of Astroturf... and join me together inhabiting... a brand new SpHeRe ......