...gestation...

i would make a very lousy butterfly.. for indeed i make a very impatient & undisciplined, somewhat cantankerous caterpillar... (to borrow the children's story vernacular for a moment) ... .................................... for i know, to the trained & watchful eye, a chrysalis is, itself, a thing of beauty, enfolding the quiet growth of wings as they are waiting to enfold.. the silence itself, mesmerizing & sipid all its' own.. but from inside... such quiet .. you can drown in it... such darkness.. it can make ya' blind... ......................... reaching deep into the quiet of one's life.. a momentary pause.. where clear-headed, caffeinated mind assures us that yes, this is just a season, a rest, a breath, a sigh... before the lungs begin their ever-busy job of once again carrying this lofty bod ever higher up the path.. but in such times.. i forget. what it was ever like.. to feel the busy-ness, the involved-ness of it all... things to do & places to go... small paychecks received for jobs never truly enjoyed.... small pittance for work not necessarily well-done... moot titles granted for papier-mache hats crookedly-donned... there is much comfort in busy-ness... in part-time labors which lend themselves to outside validation.. a notice, an honorable mention.. a nametag, a placemat.. announcing your small, but (indispensable we assure you!!!) place in the family of things .... .................... for now i have been granted my wish.. a space, a clearing.. a wide, open strip of silence, solitude & expanse.. for which to plumb my passions and my thoughts... and it is under & over-whelming all the same.. ...... i do not want a shitty daytime job. ... i am blessed. ... i do not need it. ... and yet ...... ..... everything i want to do.. seems so very hard. .... and there is no golden cherry-picking award at the end. ...... i want to make ART..... to write books(that people will read!!!) and make music and paint and dance to ridiculous unseen rhythms & share the day & time & space with others who do the same... to do these things i want to do.. it troubles me..... there are no guidelines, no degrees (not really)... no salary, no references, no applications to busy myself and fill.... just the page... waiting, humming, pulsing... daring... .... to do what i (say i) want to do... means to stand in the Ether for a spell.. (forgive me my self-induced visions of grandeur for a spell...) ... shout into the void, scribble like mad, converse with the gods (who have a tendency to respond in chortles, deep-bellied guffaws & maddening SILENCE... .. ...................... and so i return... again.. (once more and to the barre)... this business of practice,, practice,,, pRaCTiCe .... heartened yet chastened.. because this business ... well, my.. it takes work ..... to gRoW WiNGs.......